Why we need to stop focusing on virginity and sex and just enjoy relationships

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Back when I was in high school there was a big group of us who would sit in a circle at lunch time and count how many people in our year had “done it.”

We were all boy (sometimes girl) obsessed 15 year olds at an all girls school. Despite the idea of single sex schools taking away the distraction of the opposite sex that didn’t stop us from feeling the pressure to lose our V-card.

Many of us lost it to our boyfriends at the time during high school, many of said relationships broke up a few months later.

There was usually 2 ways of looking at virginity and losing it.

You were usually in category A. The  “oh my god I’m still a virgin and I need to lose it asap” teenager who is obsessed with not being the last one in their friendship group to lose their V-card.

Or you were in category B. The “I’m waiting for someone special” teenager who wants that romantic moment like the movies. Your very own Bella and Edward moment where you get married and live happily ever after.

It’s all complete and utter bollocks but I get it.

Going to an all girls school where everyone knew who was dating who, who was shagging who and who wasn’t shagging anyone at all, a fascination around virginity starts to form.

You start to wonder what sex is actually like – not what they tell you in sex ed class.

You start to think that every boyfriend or girlfriend you have is the one – which usually leads to you wanting to take the next step. But at that age spontaneity isn’t exactly our fortay. And nothing says romance like planning the time and date that you’re going to lose your V-card.

But sex is also something that you hear so many stories about growing up.

You get told how it hurt and how it was over quickly and made you feel a bit weird inside. How it completely changes you as a person. How Alice from down the road got preggers and now has triplets from doing it just once.

With so many hormones going through our body at a young age, the pressure of exams and choosing universities and career paths, it’s quite easy to see how something like having sex for the first time can become a pretty big deal to our teenage selves.

But once you do it and find out what all the fuss was about you’d expect the focus on sex to disappear from your life for a bit right?

Wrong!

The sad reality is, that it doesn’t matter if you’re 16 or 26, when you start dating someone the first thing your friends will ask you is if you’ve done it yet.

Sex is a very intimate and private thing for most couples, so the fact that everyone is so focused on whether or not you’ve gotten to that stage of your relationship yet it quite irritating and rude.

With everyone else talking about sex the pressure on you to have sex is still there, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

What nobody seems to realise is that every person and every relationship is different. For some sex isn’t an everyday 7 days a week thing, it might be a few times a month. Other people might be out every Saturday looking for it.

But no matter what is going on in your life we’re brought up to think that if you’re not having sex then something is wrong with you.

You’re not attractive enough or you’re too pushy. If you and your partner aren’t have sex then you could be on the verge of a break up, or they’re cheating on you.

And if you’re still a virgin, well that just the worst thing you can apparently be after the age of 16.

But is it?

Is being a virgin or not having sex for a year the worst thing about your life? Really?

Can we not just be happy to be in a relationship, to be dating or to be having fun whilst single?

But we’re so focused as a society on this idea of sex and virginity that we forget about the relationship itself and where we are at personally when it comes that relationship.

We’re taught that putting out and having sex can make a relationship stronger or get someone to like you more – and in some cases this is true.

But we shouldn’t be having sex to 1. make someone like us. 2. just because someone else wants us to and 3. in order to keep a relationship going forward.

If we took away this pressure of having sex and making everything wild and kinky, or romantic and special then we might actually enjoy our relationships more.

The same way that if we stop thinking we’re meant to have sex like pronstars then we might enjoy sex more.

Have sex when it feels right, not because you planned to have it that night because it’s been a few weeks.

Feel free to kiss someone in a club and leave it at that. Or go back with them if you want to and feel up for it.

Do what feels right for you in that moment for yourself and your relationship and say fuck off to everyone else who thinks otherwise; because when it comes down to it whether you’re putting out or not is your business and no-one else.

We shouldn’t be focusing on what other people will think of us if we have too much or too little sex.

It’s just sex for crying out loud! It’s not the end of the world if you’re getting some or not.

You’ve got all your life to have sex and if they’re the one for you then you’ve got the rest of your life to do it with them.

Live your life, enjoy your relationships and stop worrying about your imaginary V-card and sexual partners number.

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6 Comments

  1. February 9, 2018 / 4:24 pm

    Word. There is so much pressure and overwhelming discussion but why? It’s actually no big deal. Who the hell cares? Why does it matter to someone else whether you’re having sex or not? Why can’t people just stay in their own lane and focus on themselves? So weird.

    Steph x
    http://www.wanderlustpulse.com

  2. February 9, 2018 / 6:07 pm

    This is something that has been on my mind for a year or so. How sex was perceived when I was younger and if that has had any effect on me now that I am older. And all the sexual experiences I had just because I thought it was what I should be doing. But this post is so true, if I could go back in time I would care less and save myself for someone that I love! Even with my fiancé, sex is not the most important thing…it’s knowing you have a soul mate for the rest of your life who will wipe your ass if needs be when your old and saggy! lol! xx

  3. February 10, 2018 / 8:44 pm

    This is so relatable Emmi! I was in a “serious” relationship when I lost mine so it just felt normal but I totally get the pressure around it but it’s something that shouldn’t be rushed but also shouldn’t be so taboo!

    • February 12, 2018 / 10:10 am

      For me it’s always just been the next “logical” step whether the relationship was ready for it or not when in reality I should have waited.

  4. February 11, 2018 / 8:33 pm

    So true Emmi! I lost mine to someone I wasn’t really into, but I’m partly not so fussed because I think it helped mentally rev me up for someone I really did care about, but everyone is different. It’s all about what feels right for you in the end x

    • February 12, 2018 / 10:09 am

      I was the same, but despite losing it to someone else I always feel like I only really did it properly and enjoyed it for the first time with my current boyfriend

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