Confronting my weight – for myself

fullsizeoutput_357Weight shouldn’t be a negative topic. I don’t want to make this a negative post. Nor do I want any pity comments because the truth is my weight is my problem.

What I do want though is to share my experience and views on my weight, and to encourage anyone who reads this to share theirs.

I’ve always been a “bigger” girl (as cliché as it might sound) and whilst everyone else at my school was fitting into size 8 clothes I was already at a size 12. – Size 12 isn’t considered “big” but for a 11-year-old it wasn’t the norm.

Over the years I would blame it on my genes. I got my Dad’s side of genes whilst my tall and slender brother and sister got my Mum’s side of things. But there is only so much you can blame on genetics.

I can’t remember how old I was when I went on my first diet, but it was probably around the time I switched from full body swimming costumers to bikini’s on holiday.

Of course, as you can guess the dieting didn’t really work.

As much as you read about it and have people tell you that crash diets don’t work, and that restricting yourself will just make you want to eat everything in sight, we still do it. Heck I’ve done it probably once, maybe twice a year since I hit puberty.

Sometimes we can stick to a set meal plan and exercise routine for a good month or two in the run up to a big event. We lose a bit of weight and that’s great. But it’s not really a long-term thing. Once that holiday or wedding is over it’s back to the sugar, carbs and Netflix.

A lot of health and fitness bloggers and journalists will tell you that if you want to lose weight, tone up and change your life then you need to do it for you.

It can be easy to then motivate yourself after reading an article on this. You think to yourself “yeah I’m going to do it for me, starting Monday.”

Monday comes around and you hit the gym. Tuesday you’re still eating healthy. Come Wednesday somebody offers you some biscuits at work and you politely accept. Thursday you’re too tired to go to the gym. Then the weekend hit’s and “carbs don’t count of the weekend.”

Before you know it you’ve just undone everything you did at the start of the week.

But why does this happen?

For me I realised that although I thought I was trying to lose weight for myself in reality I wasn’t.

I was doing it for other people.

I was going to the gym to make myself look better and more active. I was eating healthy so nobody could say something mean behind my back about how much chocolate I was shoving into my mouth. I was trying to look nicer in clothes so other people would notice, rather than myself.

The motivation wasn’t there because deep down I didn’t really want to do it.

But I had a bit of a wake-up call the other week at the gym after weighing myself for the first time in 6 months – The number had gone up a considerable amount.

I started to think more about this idea of weight and weight loss, and why I’ve never been able to reach my goal.

Who is it that decides what our “number” should be? The doctors? The media? Our friends and family? Or us?

Although my weight has gone up, my number might be somebody else’s goal. The same way I can look at someone who is a size 10 and be jealous. They might still think that they need to be a size 8 or smaller.

Weight in itself is a social construct and labels like fat and skinny are not ones that other’s put on us, but rather ones that we put on ourselves.

We think that others perceive us this way and then we build it up in our head. We then hit the gym and diet for a few weeks so we can change this perception that we think other people have of us.

But the truth is nothing will ever work until it is truly 100% what you want.

If you don’t want to put in the time and effort deep down then you won’t. You’ll find excuses. This goes for so many other aspects of life from school to relationships.

Until you start looking after yourself and doing what is it you really want to do you’ll never find the motivation to work hard enough to reach your end goal.

Am I trying to lose weight at the moment? Yes I am. But I’m not going to lie and say that I’m hitting the gym 5 days a week, eating super healthy and keeping away from carbs.

Am I insecure about what other people might think about me due to my weight? Of course I bloody am. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t. But I’m not doing any of this for them.

Whether we admit it or not, we all want to be liked. But I’d rather be liked for who I am rather than if I wear the latest fashion trends or can fit into a pair of size 8 jeans.

I want you all to share your weight stories and thoughts in the comments. Whether it be about weight gain or weight loss. How you perceive yourself or think others perceive you. Whatever it may be share it. Get it off your chest.

Then stop and think, is this something you want to deal with for yourself or for someone else?

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© Emmi Bowles

Photos by Alexander Ward – Website | Instagram










  1. November 17, 2017 / 1:25 pm

    This speaks to me so much! I have been trying to lose weight for the LONGEST time, particularly once I hit 15 (I’m almost 25 now). I’ve had some good years where I’ve lost a couple of stone and loved seeing the progress I made, but I inevitably put it all back on, and I’m now the heaviest I’ve ever been.

    I’ve got to the point in my life where I don’t like my figure, but I also don’t want to be too restricted on a diet (life’s too short). I’m still trying to reach the balance when I lose weight for my own happiness, while still trying to enjoy my life around it. But I also know if I could eat any junk foods I want and not put on weight, I totally would. Still trying to find something that works, and hopefully 2018 I can get back control.

    This is such a good post, and it sounds like you’re thinking in the right way! Thanks so much for this.

    • November 17, 2017 / 7:35 pm

      Thank you for sharing your experience and story. I think that once we start talking about things we start to realise why we can’t reach our goals. Hopefully you’ll find whatever it is you need to be able to make 2018 your year.

  2. November 18, 2017 / 6:08 pm

    We always think people are judging us when realistically, they’re not. We’re all too worried about the way we looks ourselves to be bothered about how other people look. I really try to embrace how I am but there is always that doubt that pops in for a visit every now and then. It’s unavoidable, it’s just a part of us as humans.

    Steph x

  3. November 20, 2017 / 1:34 am

    What a compelling piece! So honest and filled with so much truth. There is a saying that I have adopted to kind of live by lately and its:

    “People care about people who care about themselves, but you know what? I just don’t care about those people.”
    -Miss Congeniality 2

    This post just encouraged me to live by it so much more. What society needs to understand is how to value who someone is over what someone looks like. It’s articles like these that work to change people’s hearts. Thank you for sharing!!


  4. December 6, 2017 / 8:17 am

    I guess I’ve always been on the slimmer end but I’ve still struggled with people’s perceptions of what I should and shouldn’t look like. Recently I’ve started exercising again, whether it be swimming, a brisk walk or going to the gym. I’ve changed my mind set which I think is the most important! I’m doing it for me now, and I’m doing it to stay healthy mentally and physically. I’m also not wanting to look like anyone else, but to simply be the best version of me at the time.

    Sally – DiagonSally

    • December 6, 2017 / 8:22 am

      It’s really hard to change your mindset so well done! There’s no point doing it for someone else because you’re the only person it truly affects

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